Bachelor in Paradise, Blake Horstmann, Caelynn Miller-Keyes, Chris Bukowski, Chris Harrison, Dean Unglert, Kristina Schulman, Television

Bachelor in Paradise Season 6 Premiere Recap: Welcome to the Blake Show

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Bachelor in Paradise is back for another season of deBEACHery at Sayulita Resort. Wells is back behind the bar, Chris Bukowski is back for the first time since 2015, and Chris Harrison never left. Who will fall in love and get married? Who will get in a drunken screaming fistfight? Who will John Paul Jones? What will John Paul Jones? Why will John Paul Jones? Let’s find out together!

Tayshia got the first intro. Her dad said that she should wear a turtleneck to Paradise and made her pinky swear to “no shenanigans.” No deal, Daddy-o!

Next up was Blake, who was shown driving his Jeep past a 7-11 and saying that he’s learned so much about himself and what he wants from a relationship. But as we know, he’s in relationships, plural. Then he worked out shirtless in a park.

Katie and Always Be Cam got trying-too-hard joke intros that I refuse to indulge.

Jane, who was eliminated night one in Colton’s season was shown putting 18 ounces of hot sauce on her eggs and brushing her teeth with hot sauce and squirting hot sauce directly into her mouth. If that’s your thing, maybe there’s a reason you went home night one?

Hannah G. and her lil dollface said she was nervous to go to Paradise. I haven’t thought about Hannah G. since Colton’s season ended.

Demi, the show’s golden child, got to sit down with Hannah B. in her intro package. She told the Bachelorette that she doesn’t define her sexuality and she’s dating a woman. But they’re not exclusive, so Paradise here she comes!

Clay, the football player who put the nail in the coffin to his NFL career by getting injured playing touch football on The Bachelorette, said he was looking forward to meeting Nicole.

Nicole packed her suitcase with tissues because she cries a lot and pretended to lift weights with her

Chris Bukowski came out of retirement to appear on a Bach property for the first time since 2015. It’s his record sixth appearance! He’s been part of Bachelor Nation since 2012. I don’t think he’s related to Charles Bukowski, but it would be fun if he was!

Hannah G. was the first to arrive, and had nothing interesting or insightful or funny to say about it. Have more personality, Hannah G., you’re killing me!

Chris Harrison asked Blake if there’s anyone he’s “talking to,” a euphemism the kids use to define a nebulous state of not being in a relationship. Blake said Hannah has a great personality, so Blake’s already a confirmed liar.

Katie arrived next, followed by Dylan from Hannah’s season. We didn’t get to see much of Dylan, but Dylan seems like a good dude. They were followed by Sydney from Colton’s season and Derek Peth, who got engaged to Taylor Nolan in Paradise two years ago. He hopes his memories of then get “overwritten” with new ones. Then Tayshia arrived, and Derek told her he was waiting to meet her.

Next up was Kevin, who is extremely muscular. Since he left Hannah’s season, he got even more jacked. He liked Katie’s romper. He was followed by Wills, who has dyed his hair blonde. Wills is perhaps the most stylish man in Bachelor Nation.

Next to arrive was Demi. Everyone wanted to meet Demi, and Demi wanted to meet everyone. Trailing behind her was Onyeka, who brought an air horn because she’s an extremely loud person.

Then Cam showed up. “Always Beach Cam,” he said. Great, dude. Hilarious. The guys knew he was coming, and they were not happy to see him. Kevin, his self-professed “arch-nemesis,” compared him to a strip club DJ. Cam negged Demi like he was a pickup artist in 2005 by asking if her blue eyes were contacts.

John Paul Jones! JPJ came bounding down the stairs in a Speedo. It was supposed to be funny, but he looked really good. Onyeka was calling him “John,” and obviously they’re not a match because she doesn’t know his name is JOHN PAUL JOOOOOONES!

Then Bukowski arrived. He doesn’t know a lot of these “newer generation” girls. People started showing up at such a rapid clip that I couldn’t keep track. Anneliese arrived and started throwing shade at Clay for coming on the so soon after breaking up with her friend Angela.

Caelynn admitted she had dated Blake, and she’s mad at him because he “played” her. When he saw her come down the stairs, he panicked and ran and hid.

Chris Harrison gathered his children and told them that the guys will be giving out the roses this week. The women were all excited about Clay and Anneliese threw ice water on that like “my friend is still in love with him and she says he’s still in love with her, too.” Everyone was too polite to roll their eyes at her to her face, but they were rolling their eyes at her. They were all excited about Blake, too, and Caelynn didn’t say anything to other girls, but in her ITMs Caelynn was talking about how much she hated him and how he did something really awful to her. But she wouldn’t say what, until the tease for the next commercial break gave it away: He hooked up with Kristina the day before he hooked up with her.

Blake got the first date card, and every girl wanted him to pick her. The other guys predicted he’d pick Hannah G., and Dylan was bummed because he really liked her. Onyeka put the pressure on Hannah by telling her it could be the start of the rest of her life, like Jade and Tanner. But then TWIST! Blake picked Tayshia. Caelynn was still big mad at Blake for existing in the same place she was existing. Apparently Blake doesn’t want anyone to know that he and Caelynn hooked up.

Blake and Tayshia went on a date to restaurant inside a forest of Christmas lights. They went for the deep stuff first, talking about their biggest fears in a relationship. Time moves fast in Bachelor Nation!

Meanwhile, back at the resort, Caelynn told Wells that she and Blake had been talking, and then he ghosted her. But then they saw each other at a music festival and he sweet-talked her and they hooked up. The next morning, while she was still in his bed, he DMd Hannah G. and talked about how hot Tayshia was and said he hooked up with Kristina the night before. She was disgusted. Then, a couple of weeks before Paradise, he told her that they had to pretend like nothing had happened, because he needed to protect his good guy image. Wells was like “wow, your life stinks,” and encouraged her to warn the other women about Blake.

I would not have ever predicted that Demi and Derek would make out, but that happened!

Dylan told Hannah that she makes him nervous, and she was like “Don’t be.” “OK,” he said. Then they made out.

Tayshia told her friends that she was happy with Blake. And Caelynn was gonna throw a wrench in it. She told Onyeka about what Blake did. Onyeka, who lives for drama, was like “We should Midsommar him.” I mean, look. What Blake did was grimy.

Then Kristina arrived. I love Kristina. She’s my favorite of all time. I don’t care about what Blake did to Caelynn, but if he hurts Kristina, I’ll cancel his ass. She knew about Blake and Caelynn, too, and she wasn’t happy about it. When she came down to the beach, date card in hand, Blake made the face of a man who had another five years added to his 20 year prison sentence.

Blake lied and said he was happy to see her. Cam pulled her aside first and was like “I love her.” She wasn’t interested in him, though. She only wanted to talk to Blake. She chose him for the date. But she knew what he did, and her feelings were hurt. “So today, I’m going to make Blake my bitch,” she said.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.

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