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Chrissy Teigen is getting candid about her state of mind. On Thursday, the 38-year-old model took to Instagram to share a post that featured her at a log crossing obstacle course, and revealed how the activity made her realize something about herself.
“I did this log crossing a few years ago when I last came here, when I was struggling mentally,” Teigen wrote, perhaps alluding to her 2020 pregnancy loss of her son, Jack. “It was incredibly hard then. My feet felt like they were 1000 pounds each, my body tensed up to the point I felt like I was in a car crash after coming down.”
“I made it across then, after about 40 lonnnng minutes. And I’m not even scared of heights! It wasn’t the height. It’s fighting through the pain in my arms, my neck, my feet most of all,” she continued, before sharing why she “was so sure it would be so different” when she tried the course years later.
“While I still struggle mentally, I thought I could make the pain go away by relaxing my body, breathing and just taking in and enjoying what I was doing,” she wrote. “But plot twist!! It was just as hard. I shaved off a little time, but what I love about this is how much it surprises you and how much you learn about yourself.”
Teigen explained that, while her “rational mind knows that it would be totally fine to just fall” because she “would gently be lowered down,” she came to the realization that she is “so terrified to fall again in life that it becomes overwhelmingly debilitating both mentally and physically.” That was “a lot” to come to terms with, John Legend‘s wife wrote.
“I thought that since I have seen times that were so dark since the last time I did this, that I would be fearless on this god damn thing. But I’m still so scared,” Teigen admitted. “Then I realized I now live my whole life so scared. I don’t enjoy much outside my family, my few friends, television and crafts. I feel like a very shrunken version of myself. And I know I am meant to be big.”
“I’m really scared of letting you guys down and I find myself fighting with myself all day in my brain with things I want to say, things I want to explain, but I’m just so fearful,” she continued. “I miss so many parts of myself and I hope one day I can shed some fear and accept that I will never be perfect for you guys and that is okay!!”
Until that day comes, Teigen wrote that she “will continue to work on it all and try to balance my brain with rational thoughts, and try to be kind to myself and my body and mind.”
Legend expressed his support for his wife in the comments, writing simply, “I love you.”
Since baby Jack’s tragic death, Teigen and Legend have welcomed two children into their lives: Esti, 1, and Wren, who will turn 1 in June. They’re also parents to Luna, 8, and Miles, 6.
“Luna and Miles are very competitive with each other, but they love the babies. They’re very into the babies,” Teigen told ET of her kids last month. “Miles has teamed up with Wren and Luna has teamed up with Esti and now it’s all against us.”
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