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Of all the episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, tonight’s might have done the absolute most.
First, of course, there was the fight. But as usual with anything quite that dramatic, the long-teased fight went down in the last moments of the episode, all over the affections of Nicole.
First, Christian (who?) arrived in Paradise with eyes only for Nicole, who already had a thing with Clay, and who had also already gone on a date with Jordan. Clay was really hoping to get Nicole’s rose, but Christian was very much in the way and suddenly very territorial during the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. He had set up a pinata near some comically oversized pillows and was enjoying a moment with Nicole when Clay came over to calmly ask if he could speak to Nicole for a moment.
Christian aggressively refused by saying he wasn’t going to let her go, and Nicole didn’t seem to have a clue what to do, so Clay just walked away.
Jordan wasn’t about to let that go, so he went over and even though Clay specifically told him not to go over there and wreck the pinata, he went over and tried to wreck the pinata.
“Don’t touch my pinata,” said Christian, who had just been trying to convince Nicole he’s a sweet guy, and then he grabbed Jordan, and Jordan grabbed him, and then obviously we got a “to be continued,” because we can never get the full story in one episode.
And we’d be even more annoyed than we already are if that weren’t just the tip of the iceberg of the events of the episode.
First, Demi spent the episode panicking over her confusion. She’s got feelings for Derek, but she’s also got feelings for that woman she was dating before. She came out to Derek during the episode, and he was very respectful and happy to take it slow, but clearly that’s not the end of this particular story.
Dean Unglert finally arrived with his mustache and a whole new identity. He lives in a van, he showers wherever he can find a shower, and he’s just kinda traveling around the country in his van. Caelynn’s a little confused by this, but also into it, and it also just so happened that he was right there when Caelynn was at her worst, ready to cheer her up.
Caelynn was at her worst because she just listened to Kristina talk about her while literally right behind her, which was admittedly a super weird choice on Kristina’s part. But then she was thrilled to go on a date with Dean, and it was very cute, even if Mike was left a little devastated in the dust. And Cam continued to mope around for some reason.
Dylan got Hannah to tell him the full story about Blake, and that full story is that she and Blake had been talking before Paradise, and Blake even came to her house in Alabama to visit her, and they kissed. (Just kissed? OK.)
Meanwhile, Mike did his best to connect with Sydney, Chris Bukowski continued his unexpected romance with Katie, and John Paul Jones, after falling asleep under the oversized pillows, learned a freaking Shakespeare sonnet for Tayshia, who seems very into it. And honestly we’re a little into it too? John Paul Jones is a true enigma. A Shakespearean enigma.
Told ya, tonight was a lot, in an incredible way. Can’t wait for next week to watch Jordan and Christian (who?) continue to fight over a pinata, an event that’s surely ridiculous and “scandalous” enough to make it into our list of BIP‘s most scandalous moments, which you can find below!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.